Mental Health & Survival
There are no warning labels to life, until you are long past the warnings and sometimes, long past life. I never once thought I would struggle with my mental health. I thought I was strong, invincible and tbh, people with mental health problems sounded weak to me. Like, how could they not figure their shit out and be happy, or better, or just not sad? Well, I found out that answer the real way. Through life, forcing instability every single day, on repeat. And when the alcohol couldn't help anymore and the luck ran out and my talents no longer helped anything, I cracked and my mental health became a flood gate that I was not prepared to handle. Homelessness was the catalyst. Suicide became the escape.
Homelessness
I was homeless four times. The first time, in Seattle. It started out staying on friends couches. Then friends couches and the streets. Then just the street as shit went from me feeling like I could bounce back, to me eating out of trash cans, falling into drug abuse, violence, alcohol and suicide.
The second time I was homeless. It wasn't as bad. I bounced between motel 6 and motel 6, had a little bit of a job and could afford to live there, just as long as I went to a different motel 6 every four days. For some reason the pricing was better if I only booked four days at a time, but each time, I had to walk 5 - 20 miles with my dog and the few bags we had. NGL. as I think about it, bouncing between motel 6 and motel 6 was stressful ,because I was hanging onto some form of civility, and that costs money, time, effort and energy. versus when I was on teh streets. I didnt have think. I just scored drugs. pan handled, stole some groceries, passed out after the drugs wore off and did it again and again. there was no throught process. just the basic instinct to get high and steal when I needed it.
Violence
Most of the people I met while homeless were kind, just trying to make by too and I think they treated me as one of their own. But there were a few experience that reminded me of the ruthlnesses of humans too. Had a gun to my head a few times, one during a drug deal, another just because he didn't like the way I looked at him. the other times were standard threats and often was just wrong place, wrong time. I had a knife pointed at my chest from a man that kept finding me and threatening me, one of the nights I really thought he was going to kill me, so I took his knife as he tried to stab me and stabbed him. I had a small group attack me while I was sleeping. I found them later, and hurt them, really bad. While on the streets, I so more violence, more assaults, more prostition, more drug deals, more drug use, more alcoholism, more things that I just did not think happened, which was so foolish to say, so the crash course I got changed so much about how I see the world.
Drug Abuse
I did drugs prior to being homeless. Cocaine was my preferred drug. I went through an X and MDMA phase but cocaine just felt better to me. I never got into weed though, I never liked that out of body experience where I didnt feel in control. But even with that drug use, I always had rules to how and what I did. No hard shit. No bad shit. But that changed. I never got into meth, but I think that was going to be an option one day. Crack was my thing. At first I jsut thought I was doing cocaine, through a process called free basing and for a while I convinced myself of it, but crack cocaine is crack...inhaled, free basing or not is crack and it opened the door to what else I could inhale.... I did glass, hated it. Heroine in a cigarette, at least that is what I think he said I was doing. Acid once too and of course alcohol.
Theft
I was taught. simple rule early on by some people when I was homeless. When stealing from a store, do not go in deep. Steal near the exit so you can run and steal things you can trade for drugs, or sell for drugs. Now they stayed away from most foods because the shelters kept a lot of homeless fed. I knew to many of the people that worked there, so stealing food was something important to me. And I knew which ones I could steal some food from and quickly leave. I also knew which Jimmy Johns would give me free bread. But I admit, I did steal a few things to trade for money. Micro hotels from Airbnb were new during this time and I could get a private room with a shower for 11 dollars a night. I used to steal microwave popcorn, soda and candy and would pay for a room just to shower for 2 hours straight while snacking until I fell asleep.
Suicide
I attempted suicide three times. Twice in Seattle. Once in Chicago. Drugs were involved in all of them. I have had lot of time to process the struggles and even the fact that the harder struggle would come after surviving. When I had to figure out, who I was and how I go forward. Being that kind of lost is a special kind of hell that I did not know existed. And I don't know if this will help, but I wrote this one day, years ago, it helped me just visualize what the pressure of suicide felt like. and why it was so comforting to finally attempt it
Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. KILL YOURSELF. kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill YOURSELF. Kill yourself. KilL YouRself. kiLL youRSELf. KILL YOURSELF KILL YOUR SELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF.
OK
(silence)
What I Learned
I learned that when given a chance to destroy myself. I will. I also learned that if given the chance to fight, I can. And that if given the opportunity to grow, I will excel. Life has taught me a lot of things. Some I know, some I'm still trying to understand. The rest, I will update you as I go.
